This is the second piece of a series of publications of academic debates, launched by the CEU Debate Society and The CEU Weekly. The views expressed below do not necessarily reflect the writers’ personal opinions but are rather roles taken up in the context of a debate.
Proposition: Alexandru Moise (POLS '14)
The way in which masculinity is portrayed is unhealthy both for males and society in general. We teach boys that in order to 'be a man' they must suppress their emotions, never engage with their problems and restrict the way they interact with fellow males and with females. What people often fail to realize is that the main culprit for this is early life education. When parents, and especially fathers, ignore their boys' emotional responses and actively encourage them to inhibit emotional display, they sent messages that directly contradict their natural psychological and physiological responses. Moreover, this also leaves fathers emotionally distant from their sons thus fostering additional problems. This is a very serious issue because it leaves boys highly emotionally unstable. We already know the results of this, that males, especially teenagers have disproportionately high rates of depression and suicide. This also restricts the way they interact with other men and with women by making them emotionally unavailable, and it eventually shapes the way they interact with their own sons. This is a specific as well as a general issue because what fathers signal to boys when they don't validate crying as a normal emotional response is that generally emotions need to be suppressed.
Now what does it mean that fathers should teach their boys that it is ok to cry? Does it mean teaching them to cry all the time, and that they should display emotions everywhere? Obviously not. What it will teach them is that crying can be a valid emotional response, part of a larger process of dealing with issues, which should be shared in the company of close friends or family. Crying is natural and culturally universal. It is part of a response mechanism that calms people down by releasing anxiety, frustration and sadness. Thus, crying itself is not irrational and it does not exclude rationalizing problems and anxieties. Moreover, it does not inhibit other types of development, such as professional peer relations, because it is essentially a private matter, a way of connecting with those close to oneself. Accordingly, by acknowledging the emotional needs of their sons, fathers not only encourage healthy behavior but also forge closer ties with them. It is also very important that fathers do this as they are the first example of masculinity boys encounter and thus essential to shaping their ideas.
Thus the main reason we need fathers to do this is to challenge preconceived and outdated notions of masculinity. Masculinity means very different things to different people and it is up to adult males to define themselves as they see fit. The problem when we force these conceptions on children is that we send messages we know are contradictory to their healthy emotional and psychological development. This is a problem that cannot be overstated as it drives so much of what we see as unhealthy behavior from men. By eliminating this tension they will be better apt to handle their own issues as well as to better relate to their peers and forge close connections with their close friends and family.
Opposition: Endre Borbáth (POLS '14)
Fathers are reluctant to teach their sons that it is okay to cry for several reasons. Even if they themselves do not agree with the traditional gender roles and consider them coercive for self-fulfillment, for most of them this idea is overshadowed by the desire to ensure an upbringing for their sons which grants them the highest chance for a prosperous future. Having a prosperous future in a typical western society is best guaranteed by having the skills which make the individual competitive in social institutions which are almost exclusively built on the idea that fierce competition leads to efficiency. In such an environment, by possibly perceiving crying as sign of helplessness and self-victimized behavior, it is rather a burden which endangers individual success, and thus fathers are hesitant to teach their sons that it is okay to cry, even if by not doing so they reinforce the existing social practice - the coercive gender roles. Indeed one does not have to deeply analyze the underlying collective action problem to realize that the individuals’ costs of changing the norm are much greater than norm-adherence is.
But what are the exact effects of crying? While people tend to remember the positive effects of a “good cry”, crying can actually reinforce the feeling of helplessness and powerlessness. What can be helpful to overcome the emotional decay is rationalizing of the underlying situation, which resulted in crying in the first place. Analyzing its details and understanding its causes can be much more valuable for leaving our difficulties behind than crying is. In this sense, fathers’ decision to teach their sons that crying is rather an extraordinary or even abnormal reaction rather than the norm one wants to follow seems a constructive approach. In many cases what we need is the strength to face the situation that we are in and having fathers which cautiously thought us since our childhood how to do so, can be a very valuable asset.
There is another beneficial aspect of the status quo, namely it brings fathers and sons together by reinforcing their emotional bonds and it ensures a healthier emotional status for the children. Even if fathers try their best to educate their children that it is okay to cry, from the wider societal influences and peer groups one is exposed to, the feedback will be to consider crying a sign of weakness. As a result, children develop a separate public and private identity, where publicly they form an appeal to their peers as strong and untouchable, while in fact they are vulnerable and fragile – aspects which are only assumed in front of their family. The sharper the distinction becomes, the more it leads to emotional distress and anxiety. If fathers do not teach their sons that it is okay to cry, they will see crying as a non-desirable emotional reaction from which they should stay away in every aspect of their life, thus the gap between their public and private identity is shrinking, resulting in less insecurity and emotional stability. As a result, children will rely on alternative responses to express their emotional and mental stress.
Picture: betterparentinginstitute.com
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